What do you say to a close friend who’s dating someone you’re less than fond of? You know, someone whose very presence forces your brain against the brick wall of constantly revisiting the phrase 'Are you f**king kidding me?' They might not necessarily be a bad person, just bad for your friend. At this difficult and well-traveled ethical crossroads, how do you know which path to take? Do you ignore your misgivings and soldier on, nodding your puppet head and configuring your mouth into a facsimile of a smile whenever necessary? Absolutely! After all, you might be wrong about them: maybe your first, second, and twenty-fifth impressions were just waaaay off target. Maybe it’s okay that they still live at home and pump gas for a living, unfettered by college or a real job. Maybe it’s a good thing that your friend deems it necessary to drop the confining pretext of their bothersome personality and interests in order to better suit those of their significant other. Hell, if Madonna can do it, why not us regular chumps?
Besides, your friend seems so happy.... but who wouldn’t be? Maintaining a relationship is a piece of cake when you mold yourself in the exact image of your significant other. It’s genius, really: how can they ever disagree with you if you’re constantly mirroring their own wants and needs? There’s no expectations or disappointment, just two people who have literally become one (or three-quarters to a whole person when pried apart from one another). Sure, you’ve lost a friend, but you’ve actually gained another half of a friend! And at the very least, you can go to sleep at night knowing that Eeyore will no longer be lonely after clearing a room.
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