A Meathead's Guide to Vegetarianism

As a former omnivore, I don't miss accidentally drinking spoiled milk or sniffing meat to test its freshness. But I do miss the actual taste of meat, the ritual of sharing the same foods as everyone else at the table, and most importantly, holiday dishes. Yet I'm committed to avoiding meat, and after a brief stint eating fish I have realized that the only animal products I can consistently enjoy are eggs, cheese, and the occasional half & half in my coffee. I have many friends and family members who have tried to go veg, but I know few who have actually stuck to the diet. Please consider this a brief how-to guide for the herbivore/omnivore flip floppers, and know that you are not alone in your struggle!

1. First things first: make a list of the products you can live without, the products you enjoy but aren't your dietary staples, and products that you will have a hard time giving up. Be completely honest with yourself, and don't forget to factor in all of your favorite family recipes as those are usually the most difficult to go without. Once you've got your list, start your foray into vegetarianism by cutting out those fringe foods that you don't eat very often. Then keeping moving up the ladder until you've eradicated all unwanted items from your diet. 

2. Accept the fact that fake meat and dairy products will never taste like the real thing. Let's be honest: not only are some of the products themselves repulsive, but the actual names of the substitutes are uninspiring to say the least. Consider seitan, a wheat gluten product. Wheat what? That sounds about as tasty as cream of wheat without any sugar. You can put as much emphasis on the second syllable as you want; it's still going to come out sounding like Satan. Or what about tempeh? The ubiquitous tofu? They all sound like futuristic food substitute cubes, and if they're not prepared correctly that's exactly what they are. Tofurky? Tofuckyourself. Actually, Tofurky's brand of Italian sausage is pretty good when you cut it up and serve over wild rice. I absolutely love Smart Ground: it's great in spaghetti sauce, taco salad, and breakfast burritos. Please note that meat substitutes taste much better when combined with a mixture of other ingredients.

3. If you're a die-hard milk fan but want to wean yourself off, do it slowly. Switch from fatty milk to two percent to skim before you make the jump to soy, rice, or other milk substitutes. One warning when making the switch--if you're a burgeoning chef, I would recommend against cooking with milk substitutes. Even if it's regularly flavored soy milk, your food will come out tasting faintly of vanilla. It's no bueno for scrambled eggs in particular: vanilla- flavored eggs are about as good a combination as orange juice and toothpaste.

4. Accept the fact that you're going to fall off the wagon a few times before vegetarianism really sticks. I've seen so many friends try to quit cold turkey (as well as fully-cooked turkey) and they get frustrated when they can't completely eradicate meat and/or dairy products right away without a slip up or two. With tempting treats like the bacon wrapped hot dog on the rise, it can be difficult not to stray. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. One minute you're completely content to munch on some veggie chili and veggie cheese slices, the next minute you're up to your elbows in Junior Bacon Cheeseburger wrappers, a helpless victim of the after-bar run to Wendy's.  I can't tell you how many times my alcoholism got in the way of my vegetarianism.

5. Don't be afraid to try on pescetarianism before fully crossing over to the dark side. Many find fish a pleasant substitute for beef and poultry, and its availability in most restaurants and fast food menus makes it much easier to share meals with friends and family.
6. Many veggie virgins make the mistake of cutting out meat (and/or dairy) without properly supplementing their diet with appropriate protein and iron levels. I know, because that's exactly what I did when I first tried to go veg when I was 12. Beef up your non-beef diet with beans, peanut butter, nuts, and lots of spinach. I would also recommend taking either an iron or multivitamin as an extra precaution.

7. And finally, if you're truly committed, you eventually have to admit that you're a vegetarian. For most people, that is far easier said than done. Much like the 12-step program for substance abuse, the hardest part is admitting that we have a problem. In this case, our problem is with eating meat. We may think we live in a constantly evolving society, but some meat-eaters still take offense to vegetarians because they perceive us to be judgmental of their omnivorous choices. That's probably because they have met other vegetarians who have soured their opinion on the diet. Like all groups of people, vegetarians are diverse. I have met militant vegetarians and vegans who attempt to push their own all-or-nothing rules on the rest of the world, and I have met passive closet vegetarians who would sooner gnaw a calf's leg than offer their opinion or advice on the subject. Regardless of your political, social, or personal opinions on the matter, the decision is still made by you and you alone. If you are content with what you eat, why worry about anyone else? Bon appétit!